G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009

Stephen Sommers
Director
Hasbro
Studio
Paramount
Studio

Elite multinational military force is tasked to fight an evil corporation bent on world conquest via nanotechnology.

Lame attempt to bring the long running toy and comic series to the big screen, hobbled by cheesy dialogue and dodgy computer effects, which drown out the few moments that do work. The acting is generally poor, especially the leads, though Dennis Quaid and Christopher Eccleston maintain their dignity. Eccleston at least manages to look like he's having fun. Add in some good ol' fashioned sexism and racism, and you have the perfect film to reference in trying to describe the phrase "raping my childhood."

Someone on IMDb commented "this looks like a big budget movie with a fan fiction script," which nicely sums it up, except there are fanfics that are written better than this. Followed in summer 2012 by an inevitable sequel (perhaps a reboot?), G.I. Joe: Retaliation. At least Sommers isn't directing, which gives one a bit of hope.

Note: There are plenty of extra Joes and Cobras running around, but it's almost impossible to ID any, and the credits are a bit enigmatic. Certainly the "foreign generals" and Larry Hama only appear in the background.

-Dave W.



7th August 2009
Cinema



118 mins
2.35:1


7th August 2009
Cinema



118 mins
2.35:1

(Two Disc Edition)
3rd November 2009
DVD



118 mins
2.35:1

(Two Disc Edition + Dig Copy)
3rd November 2009
Blu-Ray



118 mins
2.35:1




"
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Heavy Duty (Hershel Dalton)
Christopher Eccleston
James McCullen / Destro
Grégory Fitoussi
Baron DeCobray
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Rex Abrams / The Doctor
Leo Howard
Young Snake Eyes
Karolina Kurkova
Cover Girl (Courtney A. Kreiger)
Byung-hun Lee
Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller
Anastascia DeCobray /
Ana Lewis /
The Baroness
David Murray
James McCullen - 1641
Rachel Nichols
Scarlett (Shana M. O'Hara)
Kevin J. O'Connor
Dr. Mindbender
Gerald Okamura
Hard Master
Ray Park
Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce
U.S. President
Dennis Quaid
General Hawk
(Clayton M. Abernethy)
Brandon Soo Hoo
Young Storm Shadow
Saïd Taghmaoui
Breaker (Abel Shaz)
Channing Tatum
Duke (Conrad S. Hauser)
Arnold Vosloo
Zartan
Marlon Wayans
Ripcord (Wallace A. Weems)
Chris Akers
G.I. Joe Security Tech
Fabrice Baral
CNN Reporter
Michael Benyaer
Flight Control Technician
Peter Breitmayer
Dr. Hundtkinder
Michael Broderick
Screaming Man
Elena Evangelo
White House Staff #1
Mark Hames
White House Staff #2
Jacques Frantz
Bastille Prison Warden
Wayne Lopez
G.I. Joe Security Tech
Kellie Matteson
G.I. Joe Control Room Tech
Burton Anthony Perez
Bravo Solider
Bob Rumnock
M.A.R.S. Lab Worker
Robert Russell
Bastille Prison Priest
Ashley Sommers
Little Girl
Michael J. Sommers
Neo Viper Secret Service
Gunner Wright
Secret Sevice Agent
Duncan Bravo
Foreign General #1
Charles Howerton
Foreign General #2
Robert Almodovar
Foreign General #3
David Jean Thomas
Foreign General #4
Ken Thomas
Apache Navigator #1
Frederic Doss
Apache Navigator #2
Buzz Covington
Apache Helicopter Pilot #1
Ron Thompson
Apache Helicopter Pilot #2
Americus Abesamis
Kitchen Monk
(uncredited)
Martin Dew
Party Photographer
(uncredited)
Fahim Fazli
Camel Handler
(uncredited)
Michael Foster
Neo-Viper (uncredited)
Brendan Fraser
Sergeant Stone
(uncredited)
Larry Hama
NATO General
(uncredited)
Damien Moreno
Turbo Laser Technician
(uncredited)
Kaleti Williams
Neo-Viper (uncredited)
Brianna Womick
Parisian Girl
(uncredited)

Dave Wright: Vidcaps & Notes